- WANNA DATE MY DAUGHTER?
- - Submitted by William
Conway
- -------------------------------
-
- When I was in high school
I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I
believe suspected me of wanting to place my arm around
his daughter's waist. He would open the door and
immediately affect my good - naturedly murderous
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like
it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
-
- Now, years later, it is MY
TURN to be the dad.
Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would
pick up my dates, I do my best
to make my daughter's suitors feel even
worse. My motto: wilt them in the
living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
-
- "So," I'll call
out jovially. "I see you have your nose
pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to
APPEAR stupid?"
-
- As a dad, I have some
basic rules, which I have carved into TWO STONE TABLETS
that I have on display in my livingroom.
-
- Rule One: If you
pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure as heck not picking
anything up.
-
- Rule Two: You do not
touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
-
- Rule Three: I am
aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
BUT you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I
will not object. However, in order to assure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place around your waist.
- Rule Four: I'm sure
you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to
sex,
*I* am the barrier, and *I* WILL kill you.
-
- Rule Five: In order
for us to get to know each other =), we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is "early."
-
- Rule Six: I have no
doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished you. If you
make her cry, *I* will make YOU cry.
-
- Rule Seven: As you
stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie,
you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my car?
-
- Rule Eight: The
following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
- * Places where there are
beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
- * Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- * Places where there is
darkness.
- * Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, laughing or having fun.
- * Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than goose down parka overalls, a sweater,
and a full length body coat zipped up to her chin.
- * Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
-
- My daughter claims it
embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting
to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too
-- there are only eight of them,
for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to
one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed
on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I
checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I
merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his
arm with a ball point might be inadequate -- ink
washes off -- and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
-
- One time, when my wife
caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors
practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car,
and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated
rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through
the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being
so hard on the boy.
-
- "Don't you remember
being that age?" she challenged. Of course I
remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight
simple rules?
-
- 8 Simple Rules for
Dating my Daughter
- Copyright 1998 W.
Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com
created by: m'lady
christine
e-mail me at either:
- ICQ #12102351
Be
joyul always; pray continuosly; give thanks in all
circumstances for this is God's will for you in
Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5:16 NIV
Date
this page was last edited: Monday, May 03, 1999